Bang Bang Bang/Week 4

Stats:
Weight: 274lbs
Boxes of Wheat Thins Killed: Three (The last one was over the course of three days so that's PROGRESS)
Miles Ran in 2012: 52.6

You ever see the movie "Friday"? It has a great scene in it with Ice Cube and John Witherspoon. The scene revolves around how John Witherspoon's character (A dog catcher)loves to treat dogs. A very memorable line comes their exchange.  "I grab a dog, and I choke him, and I kick the shit out of him. All day long, my foot up a dog's ass. Just bang-bang-bang up his ass. That's my pleasure." Now look I'm no proponent of animal cruelty, I love my dog Spunky the narcoleptic wonder pug, but Wednesday while running outside for the first time in weeks I thought about punting a yappy little Yorkshire Terrier. Picture this: Me running along, one mile into my short  run. I'm jamming out to Earth, Wind and Fire the song "Shining Star" to be precise. The wind is cool and crisp and the streets are quiet. All of a sudden I hear a bark (destroying my serenity)and then I feel a tug at my leg. This little shit has got me by the pants leg and is allowing me to drag it along with me. First thought in my mind is of the aforementioned dog catcher. I look around for an owner before I punt this dog 50 yards, luckily for the terrier his owner wasn't too far behind. The owner apologizes and I continue to finish my  two mile run in a dismal 21 minutes. Apparently the dog had been after me for a few houses. So I learned two things from this experience...it's hard out there on the streets and turn down my headphones when running outside.

The rest of the week was pretty uneventful.  My work pants fell off, I lost another pound, ate some stuff I really shouldn't have and read a running book. Marathon: The Ultimate Training Guide: Advice, Plans, and Programs for Half and Full Marathons. It's a great book from one of the contributing editors of Runners World he is also one of the founding  members of the Road Runners Club of America. I would suggest it to anyone who wants to learn more about the sport. After I do the half in April I plan on using his full plan to move up to the real deal. Through this training I have started to think this really might be my sport. As I mentioned before I've played other sports, but they never made me feel this good. If I can stay healthy this just might be something I can do for the rest of my life. I love it. Just think, when I played those other sports I viewed running as a punishment. I had it all wrong. Running was really the best part.  If  only my knees believed it. Ice Ice baby.

I'm addicted to pain killers. Like Jesse Spano and Caffeine.

Stats:
Weight: 275 Lbs
Mileage in 2012: 46.6

It's been a busy week. I finished the week tired but not feeling hungry at all! Training has went according to plan pretty much except for on Wednesday I made a mistake and ran Thursday's workout (3.5 miles) instead of the prescribed 2 miles. Which led me to the title of today's blog. It eludes to a very special episode of Saved By The Bell where Jesse (Elizabeth Berkley) gets hooked on Caffeine pills after she uses them to help her deal with a very hectic schedule. I love ibuprofen like a fat kid loves cake (As a fat kid I know that's a lot). A miracle drug that makes swollen knees and stiff joints feel like a million dollars. Ice is my other friend but it's just not as portable. If I didn't know the serious health issues caused by ibuprofen overdose I would just mix the stuff in with my cereal every day. I must admit though some mornings after running I have to pop them like candy. Something is telling me that by the end of this journey to a half marathon I'm gonna need a handful of these things just to get out of bed.

Just to keep you up to date I've lost 5 pounds this year and have been tracking my calories for only one week(Only one bad day!). I've changed my food diary program to My Fitness Pal. It seems to work better than lose it and my "pal" Matt also uses it. It's got a social, almost Weight Watchers aspect to it which I like. If you join and would like to be my "pal" my user name is slowfatrunr. My half marathon is only 97 days away. It seems like a lot of time but these weeks are just flying by. One more thing...I know I've complained about odors at the gym before, but today I ran next to a guy who smelled like he has NEVER taken a shower. Look body order is natural I expect some at the gym, but this d bag was wearing a shirt with no sleeves. The smell of hot ass and garbage was wafting freely about the area. It was better than Patchoulli stink but still that my friends is just wrong. When he left (20 minutes into my long run) I almost clapped. I didn't though. Instead I just put my nose to the grindstone and knocked out a easy five miles. Easy like Sunday morning as my boy Lionel Richie would say.

Snoochie Boochies, 

The Slow Fat Runner

Fly fat ass fly

The Stats:
Days on Diet:2
Miles Ran in 2012: 36.1
Weight: 278lbs

I have been running on the plan for three weeks now. The first two weeks were really not too bad. This week has started out kinda rough. Yesterday was for strength and stretching so I lifted weights and did all my exercises to strengthen the knee. I still hate lifting weights, but I am getting more into it. I did too much though I think, because I was walking around most of the day like I was doing the robot. Watch the video if you don't know what the robot is or if you wanna see Buffy the white girl slayer break it down.

All that robot dancing made it really hard to run 3.5 miles but I did it today in 36 minutes at a 10:17 pace! Every day it gets better. I really like the feeling of accomplishment I get when a guy 100 lbs lighter than me gets on the treadmill adjacent to mine and tries to run with me, but can't. One mile in and the guy is panting. :)  Now for the diet. I am on a 1800 calorie diet. This might seem like it's not too bad but when you go from eating 3000 calories or more a day to that you feel a little shock. I'm hungry. I'm hungry right now. I'm hungry in the morning. The noon and the night. I'm hungry after dinner. That hunger is a good thing though. That hunger will go away. It will just take time. Well at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Snoochie Boochies,
The Slow Fat Runner

I just thought of something. Every post I sign off Snoochie Boochies.Some of you are probably thinking what the hell does that mean? It's from Jay and Silent Bob of the Kevin Smith movies. Clerks,Chasing Amy, Dogma, Mall Rats etc.... They are probably my favorite characters from any movie. I think it's because of Silent Bob. We're kindred spirits. Lot's of times when I'm running I can just here Jay saying "Fly Fat Ass Fly." So there's the origin. If you haven't seen the movies and you're not too sensitive check them out I promise you will laugh.

Week two

Stats:
2012 Mileage :32.6 miles
14 weeks and 6 days til the race
Quarts of ice cream eaten: 2

Okay week two is in the bag. I still weigh the same more or less but my stamina is getting better. I also feel like I am ready to get more serious about my nutrition. So I am going to start logging my food again. I started logging my food a long time ago when I read that Jason Statham writes down everything that goes in his body. Jason Statham is the guy from the Transporter movies and he is one of my man crushes right next to Matthew Mcconaughey  .Just for clarification a man crush is not some homosexual fantasy thing, it's just a guy I would aspire to be more like and/or hang out with. Back to Statham. He includes even the minutia like ounces of water. If that guy looks like that he must be doing something right. When I did my two biggest loser competitions and won them by losing 50 lbs each it was because I was so focused on what was going into my mouth and the effect it would later have on me. Over the years I go back to this food journal off and on but keeping up with it can become a real pain in the ass. I mean who really wants to write down they ate a box of wheat thins, drank a 2 liter of Pepsi and followed that with 10 slices of bacon....in one sitting. So usually this is how it goes. I am really good about writing everything down for three weeks but then I go on a binge and am so damn ashamed of myself I don't write it down. This is the beginning of the end and six months later I am looking at the log getting ready to start again. Since this time my goal is more about the half marathon and less about the weight loss hopefully this will go better.

This week I followed the plan completely except today I ran a extra half mile than it called for. I was just feeling really good and didn't want to stop running. Sometime when I'm running I just forget about all the other stuff going on. It's just me and my feet moving in tune to the music doing what people have been doing since the dawn of time(Adele was blaring today,man do I love her so). Some days that run is so much better than any damn twinkie could ever be. Speaking of Twinkies, I don't know how I forgot to mention this last week. Hostess maker of some of my best friends: Twinkies, Ho Hos, Ding Dongs, Wonder Bread and Sno Balls filed for bankruptcy. It's a real shocker to me since I have been doing more than my part to keep them in business for the better part of two decades and from the look of them half of America has too. I can still remember making a sugar sandwich out of two pieces of wonder bread and some table sugar as a kid. Yum. No wonder i'm a slow fat runner.

Snootchie Bootchies

The Slow Fat Runner




1/16/11 Edit note : I use the Lose It app on my android phone. I used to use it on the iPod so it's also available for the Apple platform. http://www.loseit.com/ Check it out it works pretty good.

Tread dread

Stats:
Miles ran so far this year:17
Boxes of wheat thins killed off: 2 ( I really got to stop buying those things)
Near falls: 1

I ran three miles at 5k pace yesterday. There was really nothing eventful about the day ,except for the fact I ran the three miles and then did some actual quality lifting. Had me sweating like a slave in that place. Today I ran two miles in twenty nine minutes followed by some Fartlek training. Fartlek is Swedish for bend over and grab your ankles. Okay it really stands for "speed play." For those of you new to running here's the Wikipedia definintion.

Fartlek, which means "speed play" in Swedish,[1] is a form of interval training which puts stress on the whole aerobic energy system due to the continuous nature of the exercise. The difference between this type of training and continuous training is that the intensity or speed of the exercise varies, meaning that both aerobic and anaerobic systems can be put under stress. It differs from traditional interval training in that it is unstructured; intensity and/or speed can be varied whenever the athlete wishes.[2][3] Most fartlek sessions last a minimum of 45 minutes and can vary from aerobic walking to anaerobic sprinting. Fartlek training is generally associated with running, but can include almost any kind of exercise.


I don't have the dedication nor the energy to give 45 minutes of my time to this. SO I gave it 15 minutes, This is pretty damn hard to do on a treadmill. So hard I damn near fell off at one point. That my friends would have been embarrassing enough for me to find a new gym. I've never really tried this before but I've been reading a lot of books and magazines about running and they all talk about this method of training like it's super fantastic. On top of the dangers of doing this on a treadmill and not outside my stomach felt like it was tired of digesting the half box of wheat thins inside it (snack, okay more than a snack). But I made it through no worse for the wear. It would have been much better if I didn't forget my headphones. This is the first time I've ever ran without headphones in my adult life and it really sucked. Seriously, who really wants to hear the fat man gasping for air on the treadmill? Not me! I actually feel bad for all those around me when i'm on those long runs. It also made it extremely hard for me to really get any rhythm with my foot falls. I'm used to cranking up Rage Against the Machine when the real hard part comes so Zach de la Rocha's screams fill my soul with the anger and energy to push through the pain. Every one of Tom Morello's blazing riffs whisk's me away to some other beautiful place.I started listening to Rage in high school and the old stuff still fills my music player. I don't know what it is about them, but their music just makes me feel ready to kick some ass.

In conclusion: Running - Music = HELL Plain and Simple

Snootchie Bootchies,

The Slow Fat Runner

I got 99 problems but a sit up ain't one.

Stats: 
Weight:278
Sit ups:100
Days without a pop: 1

Today is stretch and strength day per the plan. I did all my rehab exercises for my knee and then I got all crazy in this house and did something different. I sat down on my fat ass and did 100 sit ups. Now before you get all congratulatory let me just say there were some breaks on the way to that magic number. After the first fifteen I stopped for two minutes for fear I might just repeat the vomit episode from a week ago. Then between every ten I stopped to catch my breath and watch some "Hoarders" A&E's magnum opus.  By the end I reached 100 sit ups no worse for wear. I then did fifty girl style push ups. Look I told you guys I have zero upper body strength. Which is kinda weird now that I think of it. I actually delivered furniture for four years while in college. I could lift all kinds of things in all kinds of weird positions up multiple flights of stairs. I guess what they say is true...you snooze you lose. I shudder to think what my body fat/muscle composition is these days. Back to "Hoarders" for a second. Watching this show really makes me feel kinda weird about myself. You know these people fill their houses with crap basically because they can't deal with their emotions. Now here's the big moment for me....wait for it...wait for it. Maybe I fill my body with crap for the basically the same reason. I'm just gonna let that sit for awhile until I find a good therapist or another quart of ice cream. Okay it's time for bed, tomorrow I have running to do!

Snootchie Bootchies,

The Slow Fat Runner

Week one

Stats:
Miles ran this year: 12
Weeks til race: 15
Quarts of ice cream eaten: 1

     This morning I woke up looked out the window and saw frost on the grass. Which automatically means no outdoor running for me. I learned a few years ago that running in sub 40° temperatures means nothing but trouble for my lungs. It was after such a run that I was diagnosed with pneumonia and a terrible case of bronchitis. So with the great outdoors clearly out of reach I went to the gym and did my four miles. Sunday mornings are probably the best times to go to the gym. Its usually quiet, no screaming group fitness instructors to throw off your mojo and you definitely will have your pick of treadmills. Basically the only others there are like minded individuals trying to bust out a long run or gym rats getting their fix. Todays run was glorious. Every step felt good and I completed the mileage in 42 minutes putting me at a pace of 10:29. Not too shabby since i've been running three miles at 10:19 pace all week. I'm feeling more confident with every run now.
     As I mentioned above in the stats I ate a quart of ice cream. It was good. Breyers cookies in cream. Almost as good as the crack they call Oberweis cookies and cream shakes. I need to lay off these binges though and soon because I really want to reap the benefits of all this running and lifting. Plus how will I ever be able to join the cast of chippendales dance revue (a personal goal of mine) without abs or steel.

Snoothchie Bootchies,
The Slow Fat Runner

Two days off

Stats:
Avanti's Gondolas Eaten:1 (YUM!)
Weight:278

Tomorrow it's back to work. Friday was a day off and today was a cross train day. I can't wait till tomorrow to get out there and run. The plan calls for four miles at a moderate pace. If it's nice outside I might actually risk some pavement running.  For cross training today I decided to move my niece home from college. OK I didn't decide to do it, it was more like it was expected of  me as an uncle. I hate moving but it was some what positive because I got to see ISU my alma mater. Walking on the campus and seeing all the young runners making their way through the quad really  made me wish I would have picked the sport up much earlier. It just looked like a great place to run. Back to the move.  I assume I can count it as 30 minutes of cross training since it was a two bedroom two story townhouse full of crap that took five hours to move. The stairs alone probably put me over the thirty minute limit. It's wild card weekend time to drink beer and watch football. Go Saints!

Snootchie Bootchies,
The Slow Fat Runner

Hard Jacket

Stats:
Miles ran in 2012: 7
Boxes of wheat thins ate in one sitting: 1

     I ran today. It really sucked. Hardest three miles i've ran in a long time. Followed by some weights. But what's real bullshit about it is that it wasn't even at a hard pace. After mile two it took every fiber of my being just to keep one foot in front of the other. Tomorrow is a rest day...THANK GOD! I'm not sure if its the strength training or the fact that I only got a few hours of sleep last night, but when I walked out of the gym today. I had serious doubts about my ability to run 13.1. A day off should recharge the batteries.
     Last night I ate an entire box of wheat thins. It tasted great, I enjoyed the experience and unlike most days I only felt mildly guilty. Also last night I found the greatest jam band since DMB and Phish. My Morning Jacket. It was on American Dad. The bastard child of fox news and James Bond. Back to the group. The lead singer has a voice like an angel. Almost Bon Iver like. The album was the only upside to my crap run. That's it.

Snootchie Bootchies
The Slow Fat Runner

Funky people, puking pauly

Stats

Miles ran this year:5

Episodes of vomiting after a run: 1

Temperature of the gym the last two days: 90 f'n degrees

     Yesterday I ran three miles at what I thought was a pace I can handle. By handle, I mean a pace that wouldn't cause me to vomit,pass out or have a asthma attack. Guess I was wrong about one of those since I immediately lost the contents of my stomach upon finishing the run (well I made it to the bathroom, but you get the point). I guess two out of three ain't bad. Could been he God awful heat and humidity of a packed post New Years gym or because I assumed that after a two week lay off I could just jump right back into things. Like they always say never assume anything. Today I crack open my Runners World and right there in black and white it says after even a short lay off you need to ease back into things.
     I also encountered a personal pet peeve of mine: people who wear colognes and perfumes to workout. I also hate when women in particular come n smelling like some floral body wash looking like they just stepped out of the shower. I get it you don't want to stink. Guess what it's a freaking gym it's gonna stink and nobody gives a damn what you smell like as long as you don't smell like a pile of poo. Some douche bag walks in the other day looking like Pauly D from Jersey Shore reeking of AXE. Personally I believe this should be grounds for automatic gym membership cancellation.
     Today I ran two miles followed by some light strength training and stretching. I ran the miles at a 9:40 pace. Hard but not too hard. That's right around where my 5k pace should be. I like this plan because it's starting out nice and easy unlike the other one I was checking out. I think it would have landed me back in the orthopedist office staring down a cortisone injection. The strength training was only about 15 minutes long because I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I want to do in this area and because honestly I have always hated lifting weights. I have the upper body strength of a little girl compared to many men in my age range. In school when we did the rope climb I was the guy who never and I mean never even made it off the big knot on the bottom. I have legs like a bull ,but that's just because of gravity and the fact that I carry around 90lbs of extra weight.
     That's today's blog if you have any questions or input please feel free to comment.
Snootchie Bootchies, 
                                  The Slow Fat Runner
r

   

1/2 marathon

Stats:
Weight 280 lbs
Miles ran 2011, about 500
Miles to run in 2012, at least 750 hopefully

I have decided to run the Illinois half marathon in Champaign Illinois.

http://www.halfmarathons.net/usa_half_marathons_illinois_marathon.html

     I set this goal to push myself beyond my comfort zones completely. This is my new years resolution. I never felt like this was something a fat,slow asthmatic could do. Now after two years of running relatively regularly i'm ready to disprove that. If Al Roker and Oprah can run freaking full on marathons (yes they really did, photographic evidence and everything ) there is no way I can't dedicate myself to completing a half. Nothing against them. If I can get one half done I know in the future I will be able to do the full. Now this will be very interesting since currently it takes me 70 minutes to run 6 miles (hence the title slow fat runner).
     Yesterday I started training for the race using Hal Higdon's novice plan. It calls for strength and stretching days on Mondays which will be good for me since now I avoid those things like the plague! Today I run three miles which should also be interesting since I took the last two weeks off from running due to runners knee and a daughter with strep who subsequently gave me a nasty cold. You will also notice considerably more blog posts coming soon, I have started using the blogger app on my phone to keep me on track with posting. I know i've said before there will be more posts but this time I promise to really do it. I have to it's part of my New Years Resolution. So if you read this please comment, support and critique I need all these things and I appreciate all your support and feedback.

http://www.halhigdon.com/halfmarathon/novice.htm