be back soon

I'll be writing again starting next week! For the few followers I still have get ready for a raw, uncut slow fat runner.

Marathon

Stats:
Marathons ran - 1
Days of recovery before running after said marathon - 7
Weight - 262 lbs (yep time off = weight gain)
Miles ran this year - 396.9
Money raised for charity - $772.00 (Blew away my goal)

So yeah I ran a marathon. I completed one of my goals. Why do I now feel so damn blah? It's not like I don't have goals left to accomplish. I mean I have some 5ks to run and a half marathon or two to complete still this year, but I honestly don't have all that much gumption left. The moment I crossed that finish line was so awesome! It felt like my wedding day, my daughters adoption day it was just such a great rush of emotions. I fear I might never feel something quite like that. I wish I knew what to do.

Brief race recap: It was a beautiful day! No rain! Great crowd and a great course except for all the damn hills. They claim its a flat course I just don't see it! I ran way too fast for the first 12 miles (11:00 pace). I was supposed to be running a 12:00 pace. I paid for it around mile 15 and started cramping all over the place.  I stopped and text messaged my coach Laurie, she advised slow down and drink and GU it up. It worked and I continued with minor cramping for the remainder of the run. Honestly the run was not horrible it was hard but not half as bad as I thought it would be. I guess that's why you do all that training. Anyway, along the way I saw some cool stuff. Beautiful architecture abound in some areas of the course and some of the signs along the way were absolutely hilarious. Specifically the one that read "You can't quit, you're not the pope" as a Catholic I couldn't help but crack up. The finish in the stadium was super awesome. As I ran into the stadium I heard one of my reasons for running my little cousin Joi announcing my entrance. That was absolutely awesome! It was so great to have and hear all my family and friends cheer me on.

The aftermath: I had a asthma attack in the car, but had my nebulizer handy. My knees still feel wonky and I now have 3 new black toe nails! My shoes are dead as well. They couldn't handle another mile if their life depended on it. I'm also kinda depressed for some odd reason.

Thank yous: I couldn't have done this without my beautiful wife supporting me through out the last four months. She praised me when I needed it and kicked me in the ass when I didn't feel like running. She dealt with being a runners widow like a champ and never once got pissed at me for being gone so long. I also thank Lou Lou my coach and Barb my naughty teacher and giver of the GU. I also thank all those who donated to my cause.

20 days

The Stats:
Weight - 261lbs
Times been chased by a Chihuahua - 3
Miles ran this year - 316
Money raised for charity - $375 (so close yet so far!)

So I am 20 days away from running my first marathon. I've been training pretty steady and missed only one long run. Thursday I ran 20 miles.The longest distance my plan calls for. So finally I am living in the sweet merciful time known as taper. Just a quick recap of the 20. 16 easy miles, two miles of hell and then two more miles of hell. That's how it went and honestly I don't know how I finished it. I'm supposed to run 6 more miles after running 20. I have no idea how the hell I'm going to do that! I went from running 11:30 miles for 15 miles to ending with 14:00 miles! I got home and seriously thought I was dying after that run. I was steps away from calling my wife and telling her I loved her it was a good life see you on the other side. Tack 6 more miles on there and I'm sure I will die. 260 pound men are not supposed to run for 5 hours.
God, Mother Nature or whoever you believe in did not intend for my fat ass to do this. Okay I'm done wallowing in my lack of self confidence. Hey I'm running this for a great cause. If you're reading this and you have donated thank you. If you're reading this and you call me a friend and you haven't donated I'm starting to question our friendship. Yep it's that cut and dry for me right now. I'm usually not this blunt but honestly I'm asking for dollar donations not tens, not twenties but $1 bills. So if you feel guilty now go to my firstgiving website

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/slowfatrunner/christieclinicillinoismarathon

Or call me and I'll come pick it up.

You gotta believe!

The stats:
Weight - 266 lbs
Miles ran this year - 235
Funds raised for charity - $245

You know I've come along way since my last post. I went from having a personal record distance of 13.1 miles to 16 miles. I have lost about 8 lbs. I have regained a bit of my belief in humanity. Running all these miles this year has been a exercise in solitary thought. When I run ,I work through problems at home, problems that society struggles with like race relations and the economy and I think about the people who I call friends. Sometimes I pray and sometimes I just lift my face to the sun soaking in all the rays and enjoying nature at its best. Through all the huffs and puffs and the constant trotting of my feet I listen to earths song. Train whistles, ambulance sirens and barking dogs somehow create a beautiful symphony that can truly only be enjoyed while moving through space on your own two feet. You're probably reading this wondering "why is he taking us through his process?" Well I am because I want you to know that I've added some people to my runs. Now when I run I am going to think about those who were so generous in supporting me with their time, money and advice. You will become part of my focus. Thank you.

Update:
Just yesterday I ran 17 miles and you guys pushed me along as much as my own will and determination.

I dreamed a dream

The Stats:

Weight: 275
Dog bites:1




   Well Saturday I ran ten hard miles. I dreaded the run from the beginning. I work on a seven day schedule, which means I work two weekends a month. This past weekend was #1 for the month. I don't mind the weekends usually but in this case I worked a 12 hour shift and had the ten miler to look forward to after that. I was up at 2 a.m. getting ready for work when the thought of my fat ass falling off a treadmill hurtled through my mind. A vision that continued throughout the day. I could smell the sweat and see the rubber tread rubbing my glorious belly to a fine shade of red, teeth scattered round the floor, as if it had already happened. So after work I stopped by Starbucks and had a grande mocha latte to fuel the fire and to serve as a last enjoyment before imminent death. Now you guys know I've ran 13.1 before so you're probably sitting there like "WTF" what is he so worried about? Well that great day was last year, after a nights rest, 16 weeks training and oh yeah I was 25 lbs lighter. I'm only on week five of this plan and it's already got me running long at ten miles. My longest run before the half last year was 10!!!!!!
     Back to the story, I arrived at the gym got dressed and did the usual adjusting required when putting on spandex. Mounted up and proceeded to run the first six miles at eleven minute mile pace with surprisingly very little discomfort.They were boring but good miles just the same. That ambitious pace turned out to be a very, very bad idea. At mile seven I suddenly felt exhausted, my legs felt like lead balloon hampering my every movement and doubts quickly started to settle in. Huffing and puffing I pushed on, until I had to stop. The ugly specter of asthma began to rear it's ugly head . I slowed down to a walk and took two puffs of my Albuterol. I walked two minutes and continued on. I made it to mile nine before I stumbled. All those earlier visions came forward like a self fulfilling prophecy, but at the last second I grabbed the oh shit bars and saved myself from near certain injury and total embarrassment  At this point I got the hell off the dreadmill, walked around a few seconds and dreamed a dream, a dream of days gone by. I dreamed of days above thirty f'n degrees! Yes that's a "Les Miserable" reference, sorry but you know i'm weird like that. I actually ran the last mile to the soundtrack. Look down, look down don't bust your f'n ass. My new les mis inspired mantra works pretty good.I ended the last mile walking to start and the remainder I ran at just over 12:00, every last step sucked. When I was done I sat down until I could drive although I shouldn't have, since I felt drunk. I made it home safe, collapsed in a pile on the bed and later stumbled into an ice bath......ahhh relief! Ended the night at 8:30 after a dinner of diet Pepsi and my new favorite crack in a box (Trader Joe's Pecan Pralines). It's Tuesday and yes I'm still sore.

Okay it's week six and my fundraising goal isn't going so well. I have $50 in pledges plus my own $80. That put's me at $130. Still $370 from my goal. So if you're reading this please help out. Every dollar counts. Show your favorite SLOW FAT RUNNER  some love and support Allergy and Asthma sufferers everywhere.

DONATE HERE

That's it. Stay tuned for more adventures in food, running and of course self loathing

You're as cold as ice. You're willing to sacrifice our skin.

The Stats:
Weight: No clue my scale broke!
Miles in 2012: 25
Days til marathon: 107

Well hello everyone. I have been infrequently updating this blog over the past few months, but I shall be blogging weekly while I train for my first marathon. I am still fat, asthmatic and full of fear and angst. The one thing that has changed is my reasons for running. I still want to be thin and have that Vin Diesel, Brad Pitt, Tyrese body. but honestly that shit is never gonna happen. That being said I have decided to run for charity and myself. A little more pressure on myself plus I get the added perk of helping people through helping myself. 

Okay on to the training. I am in the middle of my second week of training  I am training outdoors most of the time unlike in the past. Let me just tell you it is colder than hell out there. Last year when I did outdoor running it was in neighborhoods with plenty of cover and trees everywhere, since I moved to a slightly more rural area I now find myself running out in the open sometimes with wind gusts of 20-30 mph. To counteract all this cold air I have purchased some under armor cold gear. Compression tops and bottoms.Let me paint you a picture. Basically I look like a fat ass pig in an extremely tight blanket. You can only compress fat so much I've found. I have new lumps and bumps in places that used to be strictly for man boobs and an over sized ass. Throw a t-shirt on and shorts, gloves a beanie hat and my shoes and now you have a uncomfortable but not cold Slow Fat Runner. All that gear actually makes me a Slower Fat Runner which I didn't think was possible. In the last two weeks I have had lots of fun on the road by myself, I've been bitten by a yippy chihuahua and I've listened to some really bad music. You're probably wondering how bad the music could be. It's Peter Cetera bad. Gagnam style bad. Sprinkle in some Chicago, Milli Vanilli and the Les Miserables sound track and you got what I've been running to. On their own in moderation none of the aforementioned is too bad but when you're on the road and struggling in the wind they can get real bad real quick.As my coach Lou Lou would say "That's Christian Rock"  I have remedied this today with a new playlist featuring Metallica, Rage against the Machine a wee bit of Rolling Stones and a touch of AC/DC. This should keep me moving for a while.Stay tuned for more and continue following me throughout the training process. Also please help me reach my fundraising goal. Go Here!

Marathon 1st day

Hey guys. I started training for my marathon today. I'm running it for a good cause that is very near and dear to my heart. The Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America. If you click on the link you can make donations to this very worthy cause. I will also take offline donations from those who are so inclined. If you're here then you are likely a friend of mine or a follower of my blog. You know that I and many members of my family struggle with Asthma and Allergies on a daily basis. I chose this charity not to help myself but to help my daughter who suffers from asthma, along with my cousin Joi who also struggles with the disease and many allergies as well. I want the next generation to have access to better medications than I was afforded growing up and I would love to see more people educated on the dangers of these conditions. Last year I got my Asthma under control for the first time ever truly (I thought) and was able to run a half marathon. When I was done I knew there was only one more thing to do, run a full marathon. Please cheer me on, donate or just keep an eye out for me on the side of the road. You can follow my progress here and donate at http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/slowfatrunner/christieclinicillinoismarathon

Slow Obese High Cholesterol Laden Runner

Stats:

354.6 miles ran in 2012 (Yep I actually figured it out)

Cholesterol, LDL 164 mg/dl (My doctors eyes popped out when he saw the number)

BMI 34.7 (Obese)

Well I had a eye opening doctors appointment today. As I mentioned in last weeks post I have high cholesterol. I thought it was something that would just go away as I worked on my weight, my doctor feels that it's something that should be immediately addressed.He has prescribed Lipitor for me. He actually seemed kinda shocked by such a number. He said anything over 100 mg/dl was a cause for alarm but anything in my level was serious. Apparently my love of bacon, butter, high fat foods and anything greasy is truly putting me at risk for heart attack and stroke. As a matter of fact he said I might already have small plaques formed in my arteries. I have never been someone who doesn't listen to doctors I have a lot of respect for the profession. That being said I know now even more that the diet has to change.What you see above is my last fast food meal.....at least for this year. I would like to say forever, but hell how about some baby steps. Stress eating is no longer an excuse.

Last week I ran 6 miles, it wasn't much but it did feel good. This week I am aiming for 15 or better. I'd like to run 600 miles or more for the year, but anything over 500 will be. The temperature is dropping. The leaves are changing and as my favorite character would say "Winter is Coming." The best time of year is on the way. I can run,run,run and not worry about humidity or asthma. Well at least until it gets below freezing and I have to worry about my lungs turning to ice, leaving me in a state of asthma induced coma.

Today I started a new book. The Hunger Fix by Dr. Pam Peeke. It's all about why food addicts eat and how to make changes to end  overeating and have a healthful recovery. I'll of course tell you guys all about the book as I read it. That's it for today. Please leave comments if you have any on the blog. I really appreciate knowing people read what I write.

Slow fat backslider.

The Stats:

Weight: 268 lbs

Miles ran in 2012: Who knows. I actually lost count.

Forgive me readers for I have sinned. It's been four months since my last blog. It's also been four months since I've run seriously. I have been running but after I changed shifts from days to midnight's I stopped training for my next half marathon, which was supposed to be today. Midnight's are absolutely ridiculous and makes it damn near impossible to train. It has become evident to me that my lack of running is seriously detrimental to my health. I have gained back every pound that I have lost from training for the first half. This is honestly ridiculous. I am ashamed of myself for what I have become. Today I got some test results that I've been waiting for... cholesterol and pancreatic function. I have high cholesterol but my A1c level was good. So I have increased risk for heart attack and stroke, but I won't go into a diabetic coma anytime soon. So now it's time to do something about this. I'm back on days, so it's time to start training. I plan on running a marathon. Well actually i'm planning on running two marathons next year. The first will be The Christie Clinic Illinois Marathon which is on April 27th. I ran the half marathon last year. I figure since my fat ass needs to have big goals this should be a good precursor to the main event. The second marathon I will be running is the one I have wanted to do since the beginning. The Bank of America Chicago Marathon. In between these two marathons I plan on running no less than five 5k's, three 10k's and at least one half marathon. This sounds like a lot but I want it that way. I want no areas for excuses. No serious downtime. Hopefully along the way I will reach my goal size and for once be content in the skin i'm in. That's it for now. Tomorrow is a new day and I got some training to do. Let me leave you with a recap of some of my biggest sins while I was gone. 

I ate a minimum of 20 boxes of wheat thins during the last four months, drank a minimum of 20 gallons of Pepsi and I don't even want to talk about the cookies. cakes, twinkies and candy that I enjoyed.I'm not proud of it, but I got to get it off my chest. You know what makes me the most ashamed? I have people who have actually become inspired by me and look what I go and do. What kind of example is this?This stuff is going to kill me.....seriously.

Half Marathon Man

Stats:
Weight:253 Lbs
Miles ran on 4/28/12: 13.1 glorious miles in 2:13:14

Coach Laurie and I post race celebration

Post race meal. Six Taco's, pound of potato ole's and a large mountain dew.
 Been waiting four months for this

Yesterday I did it! I completed my first half marathon. I made one more step in the right direction. I took another step towards the new me. Well the old me with a different twist and better fitting clothes. Friday I blogged about how crappy my hotel room was. Well it was still crappy when I left. I slept about five hours that night because I was worried about bed bugs and late night intrusions. Pair that with the trucks and highway noise and you have a recipe for disaster. I got out of bed at 5 A.M. and looked out the window and saw a monsoon. I fell into a immediate panic, but I kept hearing Laurie's words "You have to run through the rain to enjoy the sun". After driving to the race and getting my daughter LiLi to a porta potty (Three and a half year olds and porta potty's do not mix!) I made my way to the starting line. On the way to the starting line I looked up at I hotel located on the campus of the University of Illinois Champaign and noticed a very naked gentelman standing in the window checking out the race. He was perfectly situated at the starting line and letting it all hang out for the thousands of runners to see. 

Yeah so from the beginning of the race it was a very interesting time. I'm not sure if anyone called the cops but they probably should have since he could be seen from the window for at least twenty minutes.

Okay now on to the running. By the time the race started the rain was over, but the wind remained and the 45 degree temps didn't go away either. At the starting line I started shaking and shivering but not because I was cold but because I was getting very nervous. Crazy thing is up until that very point I knew I could do it. To calm down I turned up my iPod and found my center while listening to Niggas in Paris my favorite song from Kanye West and Jay z's last album. By the second time through, my corral was ready to go and so was I. I started out in the coral dedicated to a 2:30 finish and ran a pretty even pace throughout. It was awesome to be in such a large crowd with so many people all going towards the same goal. It was also awesome to see so many supporters and funny signs. At no time DURING running the race did I feel I couldn't do it. The first ten miles were like running on air and once I realized I only had a 5k to go I kicked it up a notch.I even sprinted with another guy at the finish line. I now know I can do anything I put my mind to as long as I put the training in.

Your slow fat runner and Stephanie a  fellow  half marathon virgin and friend.

I am officially hooked on the long distances now. Next race is already planned and starting tomorrow I plan on changing my training up and trying some new things. So stick around it should get real interesting.

The Slow Fat Runner 

1/2 marathon just 12 short hours away.

Stats:
Weight: 253 Lbs
Miles Ran 2012: 276.9

Davis Creek area

Sitting here at this crappy Days Inn (Note to self, never procrastinate when doing a large scale race.)I guess a few prerace notes are in order. Well since last I wrote a few things have happened. I ran with a group for the first time and I ran my longest distance ever with no music. This past Saturday I ran a popular trail (Davis Creek) with three friends. It has outstanding scenery, great wildlife and wicked hills. It even has a cool suspension bridge to run over. We ran eleven miles and it was very fun. I was pushed out of my comfort zone and actually had to talk to people. Which is hard to do while running but not impossible. I found it actually comforting to have others to share my pain with. When you're running with someone you feel free to talk about stuff you might never talk about with others. Personal stuff;good stuff, bad stuff and the stuff that ultimately makes you human. Now to actually get to all that stuff you need to be able to hear, which calls for no music. I have always hated running without the buds. I only do it occasionally to hear my foot strikes and to gauge my breathing but otherwise it's strictly AC/DC, Rage Against the Machine and dance music unless it's long runs and then who knows what might pop up on my playlist. I've had days where Michael Buble has come on right after Tupac. Back to the talking, I didn't miss the music because of the conversation and honestly I think I gained something from being able to hear nature and the water rushing down the river and all that jazz. It was all in all a excellent adventure.

Tomorrow I will be running my first half marathon at the Illinois Marathon. I have my race haircut so I better be fast. It will probably be windy, rainy and cold. I don't care though. I came down here to complete a goal and that's exactly what is going to happen. This has been a interesting journey full of ups and downs. I have grown a lot through this experience and know that I can do anything that I put my mind to now.I wish I had spent more time cross training and paid a bit more attention to my food intake(I missed my goal by three freaking pounds) but oh well it's now or never time to put up or shut up. I'm going to bed now tomorrow is going to be a long day.


The Slow Fat Runner

Oceans Eleven.....miles that is.

Stats:

Weight: 256 lbs

Days on a food binge: 10

I ran 11 miles this past Sunday! Another personal record on my way to 13.1. I woke up extra early with hopes of beating the rain. Thirty minutes into the run my dreams of a perfect day were ruined. Thunder claps boomed around me and the skies opened up, rain drops were falling on my head, slowly at first but then a raging crescendo of storm was unleashed upon me. I was three miles from home and the wind was gusting at 20 to 30 mph. With nowhere to hide and no friends houses nearby I did what any sane person would do. I put my head down and took that bastard on. I would not be defeated by any damn storm. After 20 minutes the storm subsided or maybe I just out ran it. The aftermath was not something I was ready to deal with. You see I have been avoiding running in rain all year. I have even gone so far as running my long run on the treadmill to escape the wet nasty grip of rain. My coach, Laurie has been on my ass since the beginning of the year to go out and run in the elements regardless of how bad they may look because "you have to run in the rain to enjoy the sunshine." Sometimes I can't stand that little sprite, but I have to admit it she was on the money this time. At mile five when the rain stopped I was greeted by glorious sunshine and soaking wet socks. Socks that rubbed my feet the wrong way for the entire remainder of the run until I got two blisters on the top of my feet. Those blisters have been a pain in my ass all week, as a matter of fact I even skipped a run because of them. Oh well you live and you learn. The main thing I took from this whole experience is that weather is not necessarily a enemy. The wind is a terrible d-bag when  running into it but on the way back it's like that old friend who you drink pints with. I also have to admit that yes you do have to have bad times to really totally appreciate the good times. When I ran on Wednesday in the nice sun with low wind it felt so much better than usual.

My dinner plate

Okay guys I have been consistently losing weight despite myself. Since Easter Sunday I have completely fell off the wagon. I knew it would happen eventually and overindulging on Easter definitely helped set it off.I have eaten multiple boxes of Rasinets, Wheat Thins, half a dozen donuts, two bags of pop corn, a shitload of candy bars, at least 10-15 small bags of chips. There's more too! I'm not even listing all the burgers and fries, barbeque  and fried chicken. Yet I am still losing weight (down 24 lbs for the year) . Apparently my metabolism is back to where it used to be. All these long runs and weightlifting are finally starting to take effect. Yesterday I tried to get this whole thing back on track by eating somewhat good. I had mostly fruit and cereal, no pop (which I was consuming by the liter) and actually had a small dinner. So let's see what happens. Next week is my half marathon plus I have two 5ks coming up so that should keep my mind off of food for awhile. Peace out.

The Slow Fat Runner

Second 10 miler, Fast 5k

Stats:

Weight: 259 lbs

Mileage for 2012: 236.8

Pounds of honey baked ham consumed: 1 very delicious pound

First and foremost happy Easter every one!Not only a celebration of Jesus' Resurrection but a reason for the slow fat runner to throw out all the rules and eat until I can't eat anymore.

Last week I ran my first 5k of the year. Finished with a time of 27:10, which isn't a personal record but still is pretty good considering my pr is 26:45 and I now weigh 45 pounds more than then. One friend can be quoted as saying I looked like a gazelle as I ran the course. Now never in my life have I been compared to anything other than a turtle or perhaps on a good day a charging bull, but apparently that day I was really moving. It was cold which I love because it's actually easier for me to breathe when the humidity is low and the temps are between 30 and 50 degrees Fahrenheit. Pair that with the excitement of running the first race of the year and you have the makings of a 8th place finish in my age range. Something that is truly shocking to me. Granted numbers 1-3 finished in 21 minutes but hey it's still fills  feels good. I have completed my half marathon training and  have now went into maintenance mode. I'm running the same schedule as the last week of training only I'm trying to run a little more every day for example instead of 5 miles on Tuesday and Thursday I'm targeting 5.5 to 6 on those days. I ran my second 10 miler today, but I think I'm gonna move up next week and try the full 13.1. I was able to run all 10 miles at a consistent 6 mile per hour pace. Compared to the one I ran two weeks ago that I ran at a erratic at times 11:17 pace. I'm 20 days out from the half marathon it's about time I put these legs to the test. I'm really quite curious about the distance and am tired of waiting to run the race so I might as well just go ahead and bust it out. Right?

I have now been running consistently for over 90 days. I am a runner. I am a work in progress. I am getting stronger with every workout. I am able to pace myself. I am addicted to the runners high. I hate getting the runners high at mile two and not feeling it again for the rest of the damn run. I love people realizing my changing physique took actual work, it didn't come from a pill or some fad diet. No it is actually happening because I am putting one foot in front of the other time and time again. That's it folks. I love my readers and I love my new friends I've met through running. Please leave comments and follow my adventures as I move towards my half marathon and beyond to my first full.

THE SLOW FAT RUNNER

My first 10 miler!

Stats:

260 lbs ( 10 away from goal #1)

196.4 miles ran this year

5 weeks out from 1/2 marathon

Yesterday I ran my first 10 miler. I need to admit that I was dreading this undertaking all week. Not only was I dreading the run I was dreading the after effects. I was scared of this day. Deep down inside I felt like there was no way I could ever do this. Cut to me sobbing like a little girl as I reach mile ten in front of my house. It's really quite embarrassing to admit that I cried like that but I guess I better get used to it ,because something is telling me when I run this half marathon and finish I am gonna look like my three year old after a time out. I added two new things to my long run this week. I added GU™ and I added water. I finally got one of those strap on water bottles to run with. Two things about this 1) water gets hot when you hold it and 2) after five miles it gets heavy even if it's only 20 ounces! The water really helped though. Instead of having a sandpaper tongue for the last seven miles I could actually lick my lips and believe it or not I was actually able to keep my mind on running and not my imminent death from dehydration. Tombstone reads: here lies idiot who runs without water. As I mentioned above I added GU™ to my runs as well. GU™ or at least the variety I tried is like a mutated gummy bear or fruit snack. It didn't taste bad. I had the blueberry pomegranate flavor. Around the one hour mark I ate half the pack and took in some water because this stuff is super sticky and has a somewhat overpowering flavor profile and consistency once chewed. I'm not really sure if it helped my run at all but I do know that it almost came back up at mile seven. 

Me after the 10 miler. 

Looking over the stats i'm really proud of myself! I ran ten miles in 1:53:22 at a average pace of 5.3 mph.  Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this possible. When I was a fat kid struggling to complete the mile during the Presidential Fitness Test every year in school (that really should be banned, along with the rope climb) I felt betrayed by my asthmatic lungs and supersized thighs and ashamed to need to walk three quarters of a mile when most of the other guys were just sprinting along. To this day I still see that kid in the mirror, but when I get done running I see a smile on his face. That smile is priceless and worth every bit of pain that came before it. Peace out.

THE SLOW FAT RUNNER

9.3 set me free.

Stats:

263 lbs

Miles ran this year:172.9

I ran 9.3 miles this weekend. It took an abysmally long 1:46:35 (that's one hour forty six minutes and thirty five seconds for the uninitiated stat geek)   My slowest mile was 12:32 which i'm not really sure can even be called running. I think my grandma could have pulled that with her two plastic knees and cane. On the bright side I did run two sub eleven minute miles during this death march. Okay maybe i'm exagerating a bit here. It wasn't quite a death march but it was extremely hard. You know usually i'm very upbeat about my runs and how I'm overcoming the odds and kicking ass, but not this time. The night before this run I was suffering from mild gastrointestinal discomfort but that didn't stop me from going to my friends birthday get together at our local brewery/restaurant. While there I had about five beers, some soft pretzel sticks, a gallon of cheddar bacon potato soup and as if that wasn't enough I topped it off with half a loaf of mini garlic bread covered in spinach and cheese dip. Let me describe this dip though. Parmesan,swiss and cream cheeses blended with chopped spinach. Also known as the lactose intolerant slow fat runners down fall. So at 7 am I woke up and got ready to run. I felt horrible. Dehydrated and bloated at the same time, but those miles weren't gonna run themselves. First mile hurt. Second mile felt good. Miles three to six felt ok. Mile 7 I hit a wall of pain and discomfort. I felt my intestines shudder and my knees shake. I had to walk for a few seconds to regroup but kept moving on ,albeit at a much slower pace. The remaining miles are kind of a blur. Somewhere between clinching my butt cheeks, fighting off a mouth that seemed to be as arid as the Sahara desert and dodging the dog shit all over the sidewalk on Cardinal drive (seriously how hard is it to bag that crap) I had an epiphany. I CAN run a half marathon and probably a full one. It might take a while but as long as I put one foot in front of the other nothing can stop me.Okay I am a little positive.

If you didn't notice I lost two pounds since last I wrote. I really have been cheating quite frequently. Dedication to diet has been severely lacking. I plan on spending the next six weeks with more focus though. I actually will stretch and strengthen as i'm supposed to and log ALL my food in! I want to be 250 pounds before I run this thing and I know it can be done. Thanks for listening.

The slow fat runner

Week 8: Is this what Eminem meant by 8 mile?

Stats:

Weight: 265 lbs

Miles Ran in 2012: 64.9   (129.5 after further review 3/19/12)

Boxes of Girl Scout Cookies devoured: 8 (ALL GREAT)

This morning I set another personal best (distance). Eight miles in 83:20. Not fast by anyone's standards but the distance was what was real important. I never thought I could run that long. I'm just so amazed at myself. Coolest thing about it was when Eminem's Lose Yourself came on at the very end. It was like some runner God inspirational moment. Sometimes that shuffle really knows how to pick songs! I have never felt this good about myself. I mean NEVER. The sense of accomplishment is honestly just overwhelming me. Next Sunday I'm supposed to step back to run a 10k but I really don't want to. I really want to just push myself further every day. Although I am proud to have reached the eight mile mark I am also kinda pissed off about my pace. I believe I could have run those eight miles in 80 minutes, but I was so scared of the distance that I ran a eleven minute mile pace for the first four miles. Live and learn.Now time for some pain management.

 I meant to bring this up last week. I took a ice bath for the first time. This chilly torture was very necessary. My "coach" Laurie suggested that I take the bath's occasionally to alleviate the pain. She referenced this great Runner's World article on inflammation response to explain why it works. Check it out here. My favorite runner Meb Keflezighi takes a modified ice bath after his runs. He steps into a cool stream on his property and stands there in waist high water for 15 minutes. My experience wasn't as beautiful as his probably is. First I had to squeeze my fat 6'2" frame into my tiny bathtub add cold water and a bag of ice. While sitting there listening to Dave Matthews Band I thought to myself "Is this really worth all this pain"  I did enjoy a beer though while I froze my marbles off. Like George Costanza said on Seinfeld  you have to be careful of shrinkage. 

Next weekend I will be in Las Vegas so I am debating running on the strip or even running at all.. It's so busy there and dirty for that matter. Who knows I might and I might not. It will definitely be a different experience if I do. While out there my wife and I will be renewing our vows and having a great time of debauchery and drunkeness. Culmination of a good ten years.So hopefully I will even be able to run. That's it for now stay tuned more adventures in fat running. 

THE SLOW FAT RUNNER

Week 6/7

Stats:
266 lbs
99.5 miles on the year

Well it's been awhile since I've blogged but I've done a lot over the last two weeks. I ran my fastest 5k time ever (28 minutes on a treadmill) and I ran my longest distance ever (7 miles 1:14:59 @10:43 pace OUTSIDE). Basically I've been kicking ass and taking names. I got new shoes also. Well not new shoes really I got a second pair of my Brooks Beasts because the other ones fell apart. I refuse to have injuries this time around so equipment is very very important. My shoes cost $130.00 but they are worth every penny. So if anyone out there at Brooks reads this please hook a brother up. Speaking of equipment, do you know how hard it is for a big man to find proper running apparel. I'm searching online for 2x running shorts and technical shirts that won't accentuate the man boobs and gut, but apparently no one makes those. I might just try some XL shorts and stick to the t-shirts with the technical shirts beneath them. I'm just not ready to unleash the gun show yet. On to the weight loss aspect of all this running. I'm down fourteen pounds in seven weeks,a healthy two pound per week average. I've lost big weight before but never in a sustainable way. If I can stay healthy and injury free I really believe I can run myself thin. Here's the coolest thing. Today I ate two terrible meals. One at Cracker Barrel  (home of Paula Deen's favorite bad food and one at Arby's. It doesn't matter though because my run burned enough calories that I am still well below my calorie goal. Running where the hell have you been my whole life? That's it for today folks.

 The Slow Fat Runner

My Superbowl Sunday/Week 5

Stats:

Weight: 272 lbs

Miles ran in 2012: 66.9 Miles

I had a so so week 5. I missed two miles of running on Wednesday and missed 40 minutes of cross training on Saturday. After Tuesday's run I felt horrible, my knees were on fire and my shins starting hurting. It seemed like the best course of action was to take Wednesday off, then the water in my house went out and I ended up changing that thing out on Thursday. This turned out to be a true workout but guess what...I went running afterward, it was nine at night but I did it anyway. I just felt like there was no way I could skip two days in a row. I honestly craved to be on that treadmill running, leaving all that stress behind. Saturday I substituted the cross training for painting and started painting my laundry room. I forgot how hard that could be on the knees. So hard in fact I had to ice my knees and take ibuprofen in the morning before I did my long run. I'm not sure if it's okay to ice before a run, but it seemed to really work out real good. No pain during the run and only minimal pain post run. Woo Hoo!

Sunday was Superbowl Sunday that time for gorging on food and beer while sitting on the couch for eight hours. Seriously when you think about it that whole day is like some grotesque Roman orgy of food and sloth. Not my Superbowl Sunday though. I made a concerted effort to not fall into the traps of the day. Woke up had a banana and a protein bar. Drank a cup of coffee and then iced iced baby. Went to the gym and with the intention of only running 10k, knocked that right out of the park! 6.2 miles in 66 minutes at a pace of 10:38 minutes per mile. Usually I stop then and walk slow for 5 minutes, but to prep myself  for the food Bacchanalia I walked for another mile at a incline of 5 at a 3 mph pace. This workout has made me feel even better about myself and what I can do.I did cheat a lot on the food side but hey one day won't kill me. It might actually help me. I cheated twice this week and somehow I actually lost a pound after being stuck at the same weight for like two weeks. A few months ago I could barely run a 5k now I can run twice that distance and still have the energy to continue walking. There is no way I can't do what I want in the future! Half Marathon your ass is mine. Bank of America Chicago Marathon  I see you and I'm coming for you too.

This little guy was in a commercial during the Superbowl. He is the epitome of the slow fat runner. I think I've found a mascot.Looks a lot like my pug  (although it is a french bulldog) but only a bit more fit. Everyone's running these days, why not you?

Snoochie Boochies,

The Slow Fat Runner (Slowly running the fat off)

Bang Bang Bang/Week 4

Stats:
Weight: 274lbs
Boxes of Wheat Thins Killed: Three (The last one was over the course of three days so that's PROGRESS)
Miles Ran in 2012: 52.6

You ever see the movie "Friday"? It has a great scene in it with Ice Cube and John Witherspoon. The scene revolves around how John Witherspoon's character (A dog catcher)loves to treat dogs. A very memorable line comes their exchange.  "I grab a dog, and I choke him, and I kick the shit out of him. All day long, my foot up a dog's ass. Just bang-bang-bang up his ass. That's my pleasure." Now look I'm no proponent of animal cruelty, I love my dog Spunky the narcoleptic wonder pug, but Wednesday while running outside for the first time in weeks I thought about punting a yappy little Yorkshire Terrier. Picture this: Me running along, one mile into my short  run. I'm jamming out to Earth, Wind and Fire the song "Shining Star" to be precise. The wind is cool and crisp and the streets are quiet. All of a sudden I hear a bark (destroying my serenity)and then I feel a tug at my leg. This little shit has got me by the pants leg and is allowing me to drag it along with me. First thought in my mind is of the aforementioned dog catcher. I look around for an owner before I punt this dog 50 yards, luckily for the terrier his owner wasn't too far behind. The owner apologizes and I continue to finish my  two mile run in a dismal 21 minutes. Apparently the dog had been after me for a few houses. So I learned two things from this experience...it's hard out there on the streets and turn down my headphones when running outside.

The rest of the week was pretty uneventful.  My work pants fell off, I lost another pound, ate some stuff I really shouldn't have and read a running book. Marathon: The Ultimate Training Guide: Advice, Plans, and Programs for Half and Full Marathons. It's a great book from one of the contributing editors of Runners World he is also one of the founding  members of the Road Runners Club of America. I would suggest it to anyone who wants to learn more about the sport. After I do the half in April I plan on using his full plan to move up to the real deal. Through this training I have started to think this really might be my sport. As I mentioned before I've played other sports, but they never made me feel this good. If I can stay healthy this just might be something I can do for the rest of my life. I love it. Just think, when I played those other sports I viewed running as a punishment. I had it all wrong. Running was really the best part.  If  only my knees believed it. Ice Ice baby.

I'm addicted to pain killers. Like Jesse Spano and Caffeine.

Stats:
Weight: 275 Lbs
Mileage in 2012: 46.6

It's been a busy week. I finished the week tired but not feeling hungry at all! Training has went according to plan pretty much except for on Wednesday I made a mistake and ran Thursday's workout (3.5 miles) instead of the prescribed 2 miles. Which led me to the title of today's blog. It eludes to a very special episode of Saved By The Bell where Jesse (Elizabeth Berkley) gets hooked on Caffeine pills after she uses them to help her deal with a very hectic schedule. I love ibuprofen like a fat kid loves cake (As a fat kid I know that's a lot). A miracle drug that makes swollen knees and stiff joints feel like a million dollars. Ice is my other friend but it's just not as portable. If I didn't know the serious health issues caused by ibuprofen overdose I would just mix the stuff in with my cereal every day. I must admit though some mornings after running I have to pop them like candy. Something is telling me that by the end of this journey to a half marathon I'm gonna need a handful of these things just to get out of bed.

Just to keep you up to date I've lost 5 pounds this year and have been tracking my calories for only one week(Only one bad day!). I've changed my food diary program to My Fitness Pal. It seems to work better than lose it and my "pal" Matt also uses it. It's got a social, almost Weight Watchers aspect to it which I like. If you join and would like to be my "pal" my user name is slowfatrunr. My half marathon is only 97 days away. It seems like a lot of time but these weeks are just flying by. One more thing...I know I've complained about odors at the gym before, but today I ran next to a guy who smelled like he has NEVER taken a shower. Look body order is natural I expect some at the gym, but this d bag was wearing a shirt with no sleeves. The smell of hot ass and garbage was wafting freely about the area. It was better than Patchoulli stink but still that my friends is just wrong. When he left (20 minutes into my long run) I almost clapped. I didn't though. Instead I just put my nose to the grindstone and knocked out a easy five miles. Easy like Sunday morning as my boy Lionel Richie would say.

Snoochie Boochies, 

The Slow Fat Runner